Domestic Bliss
"Is this the purpose of marriage? Is this what Allah wants for me? What have I done to deserve this? Is Allah punishing me?" Hana found herself asking these questions as she waited in the emergency room. She replayed the past few hours, struggling to believe this was her life. She had begged Adam, her husband, to stop putting her down in front of the kids and to consider that Islam called for him to treat her with respect.
Arguing, he said she had no right to challenge his authority, pinned her against the wall and punched her. The next thing she knew, paramedics were putting her in the ambulance. She heard Adam say she must have fallen down the stairs.
The emergency room doctor questioned her about her blackout, broken rib and the bruises all over her body, saying such injuries cannot be sustained by falling down stairs. Afraid to tell the truth, Hana repeated Adam's story, knowing the doctor did not believe her. Adam had threatened she would never see their daughter again if she ever told anyone about their marital problems. We wish that Hana's story was unique, but it is not. There are people like Adam and Hana all around us. They come from every country, every ethnic group, every socio-economic level and every educational background. They come in all colors and sizes. In fact, at least one in every ten Muslim families is living just like Hana and Adam in an abusive relationship. The study "Ending Domestic Violence in Muslim Families" by Sharifa Alkhateeb in the Journal of Religion and Abuse show the details may be different; the injuries may not be as severe or as obvious, but the dynamics are the same.
These dynamics exist within the context of domestic violence, alternatively referred to as intimate partner violence or family abuse. It refers to an intimate relationship in which one person attempts to have power and control over the other person by using intimidation, threats, manipulation, spiritual abuse, physical violence or sexual violence. Although both men and women can be victims of domestic violence, 85% of victims in the United States are women, according to the Sourcebook on Violence Against Women.
Usually, the victim of abuse lives in constant fear and anxiety, knowing that anything she does might trigger the abusive partner to hurt her (physically or emotionally). She often blames herself, believing that if she just tries harder to please her spouse, she can prevent the abuse. She may start to believe the insults and put-downs, concluding she is not worthy of being treated better. Because her husband probably denies her complaints and tells her she is making a big deal out of nothing, she may begin to question her sense of reality and may wonder if she is going crazy.
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SPECIAL REPORT Domestic Bliss
Love and compassion shared by spouses are signs of God. Yet all Muslim marriages are not filled with harmony and tranquility. Many individuals and womenıs organizations are working hard to make domestic violence obsolete in our community.
by Salma Elkadi Abugideiri & Maha B. Alkhateeb
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